But that's not something that I'm looking forward to . . . well, maybe

So, as my "New Year's" looms closer, I am taking a good, long look at what is going on in my life at present.

This week alone I have broken the three center toes on my right foot and had my (oversized) gloved hand attacked by one of the semi-feral barn cats, leaving me with some nasty puncture wounds and a whole lotta swellin' goin' on.

I am calling Friday my new New Year. It will be one year to the day since I woke up with the left side of my body shrivelled and withered with dystonia, caused by an allergic reaction to lisinopril. It left me with constant vertigo and balance issues, thanks to vestibular neuronitis and nystagmus of the left eye. And, it also left me with more than a trifling of fear.

It was on Thursday, April 8, 2010 that I found out I had celiac. Potentially harmful but controllable if I do not ingest gluten. The control is just all-encompassing and pretty brutal. It was due to this celiac discovery that I changed medications. The one I was on was on the X-list AND not gluten free. The new medication, lisinopril, was GF approved. I just had no idea what two doses of it would do to my body and my following year. And, one week later on April 15, I found out.

So, for a while there, I was afraid of Thursdays. But, I fought hard for my year and my health. My sanity, too, come to think of it. And a change of doctors truly helped. I know - I thought being married to a surgeon, I would no longer have to go to a doctor. Turns out, surgeons have to cut you up to figure out what's up. Usually. He is very handy with sprains, preventing infection, and general medical trivia. But, I have always said I enjoy being married to a doctor (although I was more excited he was rock star!) because I am so accident-prone, I need a private physician. He, however, jokingly reminds me of how it ended for the wheelchaired evildoer in "Hannibal".

For this reason, I refuse to have pigs on our farm!

But, all of this rhetoric is yet another example of how I am living in the 'wrong moment' currently. All of, or most of, my recent accidents have been preventable with an ounce of prevention. I am going to face my New Year with new found hope and an even more attentive ear to my inner voice.

It's there . . . "life" has just been drowning it out lately.

So, c'mon, April 15th! I await you with a hint of trepidation, but a heap of excitement, too!

Spring has sprung!

So, it appears that spring has come to the farm. One of those days last week when I had my (now rare, used to be regular) migraine. Naturally, it would happen while I wasn't looking.

At the lake the other day, I found crocuses. I think they are the first of the year, or at least the first I have seen this year. I plan to pay much more attention this Spring!

I am making up for lots of time lost last year. My home, my health, my pets, my life - everything suffered due to circumstances out of my control. Three more days until MY New Year! It was April 15th of last year I lost use of the left side of my body. And it has been a challenge, battling to get it back.

The actual walking 'thing' took about 5 months to perfect.

My balance, however, and vision are still obscured. STILL! I am fairly sure that one never gets over vestibular neuronitis, instead the body just grows accustomed to the condition. The nystagmus I have in my left eye, on the other hand, can linger. Luckily, mine is not visible to the naked eye, nor is it debilitating. And, honestly, it seems to be getting much better. I can concentrate on things and focus now - more so than I could even a few months ago. It's just annoying.

But, all of these losses, and the loss of a year of my life, has left me with a new-found joy in the little things. I realize that time really is fleeting (sadly), and there is so much to do in life, but so few opportunities. And spending time with those that you love is one of the most important aspects of being alive.

So, here's to a New Year - a year full of hope and promise. I will keep my eyes open, my ears to the wind, and my heart at the ready. One never knows what a new year could bring!

Now here's something you'll REALLY like

It was a windy day yesterday. Followed by a windy night. It was tough to sleep - too warm for heat; too windy for windows. Opted for windows nonetheless, but the wind made sleep challenging.

That, and my mind twisting itself into a total state of panic. Some nights are just like that, disconcerting.

There are times when I think that perhaps I will sleep soundly, drifting off quickly and staying that way. Those nights typically end poorly. Like last night. The Universe laughs.

I was achy and sore. Gearing up for this two week fast now made me eat a few seemingly 'healthy' foods - which I should not have eaten. Interestingly, all of the aches, pains, and miscellania that I have thought were "old age" creeping in actually turn out to be food allergies. Having systemic reactions to allergens is much different than having an intolerance or anaphylactic reaction. And, all of my pains and odd ailments, it turns out, are just that ~ allergies.

Those muscle aches in my shoulders? Dairy or corn (two different types)
That itch that won't go away on my middle left toe? Corn - again
The joint aches in my toes and fingers? Eggs and perhaps sugar
Too many almonds or too much shrimp? Vomit (And I used to wonder why I couldn't eat even one FRIED shrimp ~ it's obvious now that I know I have celiac on top of food allergies. Ugh.)

And so forth. Yes, the list is quite long. I often tell people what I CAN eat as the list is much shorter!

It's hard, though, giving up things I really enjoy (like good whole-grain toast!). There are many of them. Being a good cook, so I've humbly been told, makes it even worse. And, oddly, human nature dictates that the craving continues. It is, after all, difficult to cut out 90% of the food in the world. And get enough protein.

I admit there are times I have resorted to animal sources. Being an ovo-lacto vegetarian for 31 years, it's tough to find out now that I am severely allergic to both eggs & (cow) dairy. And, wheat, as well as having the gluten intolerance! (Wheat gluten is the key protein in many "veggie burgers" and meat alternatives. Sigh) It makes that little bit of turkey - one of the few proteins I can eat - seem necessary. Nearly.

Okay, I DID say, after last year, this was the year to get healthy. Having my amazing doctor find out all of these allergies (as well as hypothyroidism!) is key to the issue. But, now, quality of life in terms of ease of just being able to eat where and what I would LIKE instead of what I HAVE to?

Who doesn't love a good challenge??

Imagine there's no heaven

"If God lived on earth, people would break His windows." ~ Yiddish Proverb

I would like to break His windows today. That is, if dogma is accurate and there is a Heaven and, conversely, a Heavenly Father.

The reasons I would throw stones today has more to do with my health than anything else. I woke with a headache, which has since turned to the beginning stages of a migraine. I didn't feel well yesterday - a bit off. Today, I had to cancel a trip with a friend, all because I don't know if a migraine is starting or not. And my left eyelid is drooping.

Seriously - it's been nearly a year since I had the allergic reaction and lost use of my left side. The use of it is back, but I still have this inner ear and left eye issue. Vestibular neuronitis in my left ear, nystagmus in my eye. Can't a sista get a break here?

By the way, the above photo, while lovely, is what a typical day looks like for me. Most people don't think I have anything wrong. I can walk pretty straight. But, it's kind of like being drunk: I stumble and my path veers a lot. I am fighting hard, here, and I refuse to let it get the best of me. And, the good news is, I CAN recite the alphabet backwards, Officer.

"Man does what he can, the Universe does what it will." ~ Proverb

So, in other words, I can quit my bitching now. Things will turn out as they will and unfold as planned. I just have to get over it.

In better news, it's badminton and bocci ball season soon!

Here comes that rainy day feeling again

It's raining again.

The sky has grayed over completely, it's sprinkling as we speak. The mounds of mud in the pasture have increased 10 fold. The horses sink knee deep in spots. The flood has subsided somewhat in the creek.

My vertigo continues. I am still having difficulty moving my arms above my head and looking up simultaneously. I am sure the mild nystagmus contributes somewhat. It's been nearly a year now, and the relief I have been promised has yet to show itself. So, I have come to a very hard decision: I think we are going to have to find a home for the horses. Only the most kind & loving one will do.

I know we saved Suzi's life - I KNOW we did.

She looks amazing. To see the skeletal version of her that came to us in July makes my heart swell with pride, because I see where she was and how far she has come.

I have made a difference in someone's life.

I think about that, and I think about the few lives I know I have touched. Obviously, many, many furry & finned lives. Also turtles, if you count our two here and the numbers I have moved out of roads.

I also think, though, that there are at least a few people whom I have helped over the years. I think about my ESL teaching - working with international, corporate bigwigs & dignitaries and their families. I think about my at-risk tutoring and the lives I touched there. I think about the small, private colleges where I taught: hating every moment but making a difference nonetheless. Even at University of Cincinnati. The few students I keep in contact with from there do still remind me I was their favorite. Or one of their favorites.

But, I think about losses, too. And I think about how I feel today - gray, lonely, empty - still seeking fulfillment. Still pining over things long gone.

"It's raining again
Oh no, my love's at an end.
Oh no, it's raining again
Too bad I'm losing a friend."

Seriously? ANOTHER Supertramp song? I don't even like them!

It's that rainy day feeling again. Time to get in the shower and wash it away.

On withdrawal

Withdraw:

1. to draw back, away, or aside


2. to retract or recall


3. to remove oneself from an activity, competition, etc.


4. to cause a person to go through withdrawal from an addictive substance

There are times in life when we realize what we really want is never going to come to fruition. We learn to deal with it. We may have to go through withdrawal first, but we survive. Love can be as addictive as street drugs and as lethal, too.

Coming to peace with decisions, especially ones long past which are best forgotten, is one of the hardest things to do. As humans, we have a tendency to grip tightly and beat ourselves up over things over which we have no control.

We know our own heart, but we cannot know that of another.

The Buddhists have a great concept: just let it go - all of it. Holding on to thoughts, people, wishes, wants - having expectations of life, love, the future. All of it is futile as the universe is going to turn as it will, with or without you. The major dilemma that seems so insurmountable today will be a passing fancy tomorrow.

Hearts break everyday. But, the sun still comes up. Life goes on.

The sun is shining today - for the first time in what seems like a long time. Maybe it's just because my eyes are dry. Either way, I have other, better things to do.

"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings.
Coming down is the hardest thing." ~ Tom Petty

Fools & Flight

A fool and his money are soon parted. Fools' gold. Fools in love. Only a fool tests the water with both feet.

So many quotes and sayings about a fool and foolishness. But, perhaps the one I am most concerned about is this:

Fools rush in.

So, how long is appropriate until you are not considered a fool? Or, conversely, if you wait too long, are you foolish for having waited?

Time waits for no one, so another saying goes.

My feeling? Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith, trust the universe and each other, and do what your heart dictates. You always have it within you to know what you truly want. You just have to rely on your heart to make the right decision.

Go to the edge and fly.

Or, as media maven Al Bernstein once said -

Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.

(I post this above picture for my dear friend, Gayle. I, too, love the history and not just the subject!)