Killing the Romantic

Inside everyone of us is a hopeless romantic, whether we want to admit it or not. Mine is usually well hidden, but at times, I show my girly-inner-crazy side.

Several years ago, I fell in love with a fragrance called "Killing the Romantic". It's a strong, earthy scent. All natural. Very aromatic. It's still one of my favorites and, at any given time, I typically have a bottle or two setting around.

There are times it might be appropriate to "kill" that inner romantic. It's that side of ourself which causes us the most pain, anguish, and turmoil. No one tossed and turned at night because of a pastrami sandwich! (Unless, of course, it was from heartburn.) Every one of us, from poet to paleontologist, has known the pain of heartache, the stab of longing, the agony of wishing for a dream that one knows will never come true.

Pushing all the 'romantic' within us deep inside would only serve to sever the bonds that strangle our heart, destroy our self-worth, and make us cry.

In other words, killing the romantic would be like killing our soul.

It's not a sign, it's shared humanity

I used to believe in signs. Especially those expressed in music.

I would be feeling a certain way, or thinking about a certain person or event, and, suddenly (Miraculously! How did the gods know?) a song with poignant lyrics would come on. I would take it as a sign. My life was going to change, the one I loved would come for me, I would win the lottery. Fool.

I don't believe in signs anymore. I just realized that every time I hear a song, no matter how fitting the words may be to my situation, it's just proof I am not alone in this web of humanity. I am not the only one to have felt this way, or to do this, or to have this done unto me. It's happened since the beginning of time.

I am not unique in my pain. I am just unique in how I choose to suffer.

"Fools in love -
are there any creatures more pathetic?
Fools in love -
never knowing when they've lost the game." ~ Joe Jackson

And suffering is a choice. So, I just won't think about it anymore.

It's day 3 of my new year. Time to get my shit together. At last.

Here comes that rainy day feeling again

It's raining again.

The sky has grayed over completely, it's sprinkling as we speak. The mounds of mud in the pasture have increased 10 fold. The horses sink knee deep in spots. The flood has subsided somewhat in the creek.

My vertigo continues. I am still having difficulty moving my arms above my head and looking up simultaneously. I am sure the mild nystagmus contributes somewhat. It's been nearly a year now, and the relief I have been promised has yet to show itself. So, I have come to a very hard decision: I think we are going to have to find a home for the horses. Only the most kind & loving one will do.

I know we saved Suzi's life - I KNOW we did.

She looks amazing. To see the skeletal version of her that came to us in July makes my heart swell with pride, because I see where she was and how far she has come.

I have made a difference in someone's life.

I think about that, and I think about the few lives I know I have touched. Obviously, many, many furry & finned lives. Also turtles, if you count our two here and the numbers I have moved out of roads.

I also think, though, that there are at least a few people whom I have helped over the years. I think about my ESL teaching - working with international, corporate bigwigs & dignitaries and their families. I think about my at-risk tutoring and the lives I touched there. I think about the small, private colleges where I taught: hating every moment but making a difference nonetheless. Even at University of Cincinnati. The few students I keep in contact with from there do still remind me I was their favorite. Or one of their favorites.

But, I think about losses, too. And I think about how I feel today - gray, lonely, empty - still seeking fulfillment. Still pining over things long gone.

"It's raining again
Oh no, my love's at an end.
Oh no, it's raining again
Too bad I'm losing a friend."

Seriously? ANOTHER Supertramp song? I don't even like them!

It's that rainy day feeling again. Time to get in the shower and wash it away.

Fools & Flight

A fool and his money are soon parted. Fools' gold. Fools in love. Only a fool tests the water with both feet.

So many quotes and sayings about a fool and foolishness. But, perhaps the one I am most concerned about is this:

Fools rush in.

So, how long is appropriate until you are not considered a fool? Or, conversely, if you wait too long, are you foolish for having waited?

Time waits for no one, so another saying goes.

My feeling? Sometimes you just have to take the leap of faith, trust the universe and each other, and do what your heart dictates. You always have it within you to know what you truly want. You just have to rely on your heart to make the right decision.

Go to the edge and fly.

Or, as media maven Al Bernstein once said -

Sometimes the fool who rushes in gets the job done.

(I post this above picture for my dear friend, Gayle. I, too, love the history and not just the subject!)