The lyrics to an old song popped into my head today . . .
I know what you must be saying to yourselves.
"If that's the way she feels about it,
then why doesn't she just end it all?"
Oh, no - not me. I'm not ready for the final disappointment,
'cause I know just as well as I'm standing here talking,
that when the final moment comes
and I'm breathing my last breath,
I know what I'll be saying to myself:
"Is that all there is?"
(Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, as performed by Peggy Lee)
"If that's the way she feels about it,
then why doesn't she just end it all?"
Oh, no - not me. I'm not ready for the final disappointment,
'cause I know just as well as I'm standing here talking,
that when the final moment comes
and I'm breathing my last breath,
I know what I'll be saying to myself:
"Is that all there is?"
(Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller, as performed by Peggy Lee)
I just keep wondering, over and over to myself, how is this 'middle-aged' thing supposed to go? I am so underwhelmed most of the time and overwhelmed the rest, I just can't seem to find a 'middle' ground.
The lyrics to the above song were inspired by an 1896 story, Disillusionment, by Thomas Mann. It's an early existentialist work, and I remember reading it as an undergrad. The scenarios in the song are much the same as those in the book, but with one major exception: the book's narrator FINALLY has a freeing sensation moment when he sees the sea with its endless horizon. Or seemingly endless.
I always think - "Huh. What would he have happened if he'd found out there IS an end to the sea?" Is that all there is?
It's been two weeks since I posted - due, in part, to the fact I was out of state for most of the time. In this past 14 days, I have had such a plethora of emotional events occur, as I stated to a friend, :"[My past] two weeks haven't been a roller coaster of emotions. It's been more like dodge 'em cars, the tilt-a-whirl, and a (insert F-word) dump truck all at the same time."
The joy of loving children, fun with old and new friends, tons of photo-ops (including showing a child how to see the world through a viewfinder), amazing scenery, and a touching goodbye to an old friend. Contrast that with the heartbreaking soul-crush of a person you trusted really letting you down, coming to the realization that it is true . . . the future you thought you had is over, the past you thought you knew was a lie, and here you are, stuck in middle-age, with absolutely nothing looking up - biting your tongue so hard it's permanently scarred.
Is that all there is? Shit. Isn't that enough?
The question is, where to go from here? I look ahead and see that I have a good 25 years left of work, a decent eye for the camera, and a fair ability to write. I love teaching, I love my animals, and I love my farm. But is that all there is? Should I want more? Or am I simply wanting too much?
It's a beautiful morning. Time to kick the shit off my boots and get over it.
The lyrics to the above song were inspired by an 1896 story, Disillusionment, by Thomas Mann. It's an early existentialist work, and I remember reading it as an undergrad. The scenarios in the song are much the same as those in the book, but with one major exception: the book's narrator FINALLY has a freeing sensation moment when he sees the sea with its endless horizon. Or seemingly endless.
I always think - "Huh. What would he have happened if he'd found out there IS an end to the sea?" Is that all there is?
It's been two weeks since I posted - due, in part, to the fact I was out of state for most of the time. In this past 14 days, I have had such a plethora of emotional events occur, as I stated to a friend, :"[My past] two weeks haven't been a roller coaster of emotions. It's been more like dodge 'em cars, the tilt-a-whirl, and a (insert F-word) dump truck all at the same time."
The joy of loving children, fun with old and new friends, tons of photo-ops (including showing a child how to see the world through a viewfinder), amazing scenery, and a touching goodbye to an old friend. Contrast that with the heartbreaking soul-crush of a person you trusted really letting you down, coming to the realization that it is true . . . the future you thought you had is over, the past you thought you knew was a lie, and here you are, stuck in middle-age, with absolutely nothing looking up - biting your tongue so hard it's permanently scarred.
Is that all there is? Shit. Isn't that enough?
The question is, where to go from here? I look ahead and see that I have a good 25 years left of work, a decent eye for the camera, and a fair ability to write. I love teaching, I love my animals, and I love my farm. But is that all there is? Should I want more? Or am I simply wanting too much?
It's a beautiful morning. Time to kick the shit off my boots and get over it.
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