Imagine if every day were Lent. (Non-Catholics, bear with me. It's just an expression.)
What if, every day, all of your favorite snacks, foods, and whole meals were off limits? What if every walk through Meijer, Target, or the mall was a complete and total exercise in self-control? What if every commercial on the radio or television reminded you of this? Every person who walked by, carrying a lunchbag? Or McDonalds.
Imagine not being able to give in to the smell of Auntie Ann's. Or popcorn at the movies. Or even a candy or granola bar because your stomach is rumbling and you're stuck in traffic.
Welcome to my world. I am the allergy queen.
I am realizing, as this new phase/second half of my life plays itself out, what it truly means to be this allergic to the world. I remember snickering at the movie, Safe, thinking the main character was an idiot and neurotic for reacting to all of those toxins. But, looking back now, at least hers were toxins. Mine is what is meant to nourish. And the less I eat them now, the stronger my reaction.
What if every time you went to eat, it could potentially be your last?
It came to me this morning, as I was throwing a Benadryl down my quickly-constricting throat, that a "mild allergen" doesn't mean you are mildly allergic to it. Oh, no. It means you can still die from eating it . . . it just takes a tiny bit more. And, sometimes, that amount is tiny.
It turns out that "modified food starch" found in foods is often wheat, corn, tapioca, or a mixture of the three. I was told by a now-completely-unreliable-source that it was only tapioca. I found out how quickly that person was wrong this morning - while I was home alone. That scratch in the throat, or red-burning sensation, is horrifying.
Yet, oddly, I still crave my allergens. I would kill for a grilled cheese right now. Why?
So, why do we want what is bad for us? Is it just human nature?
Why DO we want what we cannot have?
When posed with this question, most people would think most people would say, "Greed". Huh.
So, it's greedy of me to want organic vanilla yogurt with fresh strawberries from my garden? Or whole grain toast? Or something with corn starch or corn syrup in it? (Check labels - some form of corn is in about 85% of all foods.) Or potato salad? Or turkey ham . . . the item I nearly died from this morning?
What the hell? HEALTHY foods. GREED? No.
I think it's exposure, then memory, and finally - longing. If I had not been exposed to shrimp, lobster, almonds, chicken, corn, wheat, oats, and especially eggs and dairy, sugar, and most starches, I would not have the memories of good times, of taste, of happiness, of the love I felt for others that I was with while consuming these things. I wouldn't miss them.
You can't miss what you have never known.
I still can't get my head around it. In so many ways, I feel so much better. But, in so many other ways, I still feel like that same old kid from childhood - the one who was teased for things beyond her control, the one who spent a lot of time on the sidelines, looking in at all the other kids having a great time. The only girl on the street. Knowing I will never get to have a plain, ol' birthday party again.
Life will never cease to amuse.
What if, every day, all of your favorite snacks, foods, and whole meals were off limits? What if every walk through Meijer, Target, or the mall was a complete and total exercise in self-control? What if every commercial on the radio or television reminded you of this? Every person who walked by, carrying a lunchbag? Or McDonalds.
Imagine not being able to give in to the smell of Auntie Ann's. Or popcorn at the movies. Or even a candy or granola bar because your stomach is rumbling and you're stuck in traffic.
Welcome to my world. I am the allergy queen.
I am realizing, as this new phase/second half of my life plays itself out, what it truly means to be this allergic to the world. I remember snickering at the movie, Safe, thinking the main character was an idiot and neurotic for reacting to all of those toxins. But, looking back now, at least hers were toxins. Mine is what is meant to nourish. And the less I eat them now, the stronger my reaction.
What if every time you went to eat, it could potentially be your last?
It came to me this morning, as I was throwing a Benadryl down my quickly-constricting throat, that a "mild allergen" doesn't mean you are mildly allergic to it. Oh, no. It means you can still die from eating it . . . it just takes a tiny bit more. And, sometimes, that amount is tiny.
It turns out that "modified food starch" found in foods is often wheat, corn, tapioca, or a mixture of the three. I was told by a now-completely-unreliable-source that it was only tapioca. I found out how quickly that person was wrong this morning - while I was home alone. That scratch in the throat, or red-burning sensation, is horrifying.
Yet, oddly, I still crave my allergens. I would kill for a grilled cheese right now. Why?
So, why do we want what is bad for us? Is it just human nature?
Why DO we want what we cannot have?
When posed with this question, most people would think most people would say, "Greed". Huh.
So, it's greedy of me to want organic vanilla yogurt with fresh strawberries from my garden? Or whole grain toast? Or something with corn starch or corn syrup in it? (Check labels - some form of corn is in about 85% of all foods.) Or potato salad? Or turkey ham . . . the item I nearly died from this morning?
What the hell? HEALTHY foods. GREED? No.
I think it's exposure, then memory, and finally - longing. If I had not been exposed to shrimp, lobster, almonds, chicken, corn, wheat, oats, and especially eggs and dairy, sugar, and most starches, I would not have the memories of good times, of taste, of happiness, of the love I felt for others that I was with while consuming these things. I wouldn't miss them.
You can't miss what you have never known.
I still can't get my head around it. In so many ways, I feel so much better. But, in so many other ways, I still feel like that same old kid from childhood - the one who was teased for things beyond her control, the one who spent a lot of time on the sidelines, looking in at all the other kids having a great time. The only girl on the street. Knowing I will never get to have a plain, ol' birthday party again.
Life will never cease to amuse.
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